My Best Friend

Notes : If you happen by chance to read this post, kindly do not discuss the contents, nor disclose it to any others. Your cooperation is highly appreciated.

To my friend,

It has been only one month yet i could feel so much has changed, so much has been altered. I tried to express my feelings to you in the beginning of the year but i don't think you get what i am trying to say. But, that is not your fault, i just could not express and vent out my frustrations right up in front of you. How could i when i love you too much to even have you carry out my burden in your heart ?

I could not bear to see you hurt because of my problems, or sad because of my pain

Remember, the day when i went to you telling you about my fears of what will happen after 10 years should we not see each other ? I lied.

I was not worried about it after 10 years, i was worried about it every second, every minute now and everyday. I don't know what went wrong, or where went wrong but i could feel as though there is a barrier of wall slowly building between you and me, an un-expressionable impasse, the feeling of uncomfortable when we were together. It has just been 20 days and i could felt our friendship had plunged down to a very deep valley and at times when i sit alone, i wonder if we would ever get up again from the valley and this very though bring tears to me.

Of course, this is not your fault, i will bear the responsibility because it is mine and mine alone. Perhaps it is because of my weird antics, or maybe it is because of my strong silence, my love for solitude that is just not suitable towards your personality. I guess i am not the kind that you would want for a friend. You're the jolly, the laisse-faire, the talkative type of person and i am just about the contrary. Being serious, practical, silence-strong and emotional, perhaps that is the reason why we slowly drifted apart, as hard as i tried to cling on. *sigh* Sometimes, i could feel like there's this feeling of strong unlike and uncomfortable towards me and it just breaks my heart to see this happening between both of us. What happened to the good old days when we can sit together and chat casually ?

I miss the good old days when i can sit by you together

You know, at times when i see you walking beside your other friend side by side, talking together, laughing together, playing together, i could feel this sense of sadness and i could feel jealousy enveloped me. Sometimes, the jealousy felt so strong that i would like to cry out aloud and run away. As hard as i kept assuring myself that everything is alright, but it is getting harder to suppress the feeling anymore as it slowly build up and fills the dam. At times, at night, i would not be able to sleep because of this feeling and for the past 2 weeks mornings, i wake up dreading the day of seeing what i will see, doing what i will do. Again, it is not your fault, i am a worrier and a thinker by nature, over-contemplating is my strength as well as my weakness. I guess in this sense, it has just became my strongest nemesis.

You may not understand why i have this jealousy. You see, i've always longed to be one of your best friend, i hope to be the one catching you when you fall. Instead of bringing joy to you, i overdid my part and i caused more harm than good, more grieves than laughs. I now understand that i am not meant for you, the other friend has a better chance of being with you because both of you are more compactible in terms of personality.

Both of you are happier. Seeing you happy makes me happy, although i am not with you

But because of this strong jealousy in the beginning of the year, it got me heartaches and sometimes, i feel myself thinking up things that friends are not suppose to do to one another. I guess sometimes, the greatest enemies in your life are the ones you have hurt. They would want to hurt you the way you hurt them. This experience has brought me a moody week and i became bitter, lost trying to lick my wounds. One day, while i was feeling angry over you and him again, i am suddenly scared. I am shocked to find myself changed so much because of this. I am so scared of seeing that i have been so short-sighted that i no longer hold the true sight of what is right and what is wrong. Forgive me, i have been so blinded, i have become such a bitter person that i no longer recognize myself. Have i really change so much because of this ?

Your other friend can keep you company, make you laugh and bring you joy; i can't. When i sit down and think, i realize that if i truly care about you, that i truly love you, i believe it is time for me to know to concede and retreat as not to disturb the happiness between both of you. And because i fear that my jealousy will become the potential of your grief, i realize perhaps i should start keeping my distance from you so as not to let the feeling of envy engulf me and make me do things that will hurt your friendship with him. Both of you are happier together, and i don't intend to destroy that although it pains me so. Maybe part of loving is learning to let go.

Maybe part of love is letting go

Trust me, i have thought up all types of ways for solutions but i could not think up anymore appropriate ways except letting go. And that is the reason why i rarely visit you like i used to, accompany you like i used to. Although as much as my heart yearns to be with you again as before, but my judgement tells me otherwise. Keeping my distance from you to prevent my jealousy from destroying you and his friendship ( your happiness ) seems to work, but it also taking its toil on our friendship. We became more withdrawn, we became more and more strangers like every single day But seeing you happier with him day by day, i am happy. Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. That was how i felt for the past 2 weeks. It was hard to let go, but i know it will be the best for you, for the both of you.

Seeing you happy with him, although not with me is starting to bring me the comfort of knowing that i did the right thing. Although i would never be one of your best friend, but at least i know that by not being your best friend, i bring you joy. For certain, you would have more sadness than happiness i continued to stay on with you.

Sometimes, the more you sacrifice, the bigger the capacity for you to get hurt. I've felt pain, i've felt sadness over this complicated friendship predicament that we run into but when i think about this, one comfort i could get was - i did the right thing and that is letting go, you're happier that way

In the arithmetic of love and friendship, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.

I'm contend being your shadow; silent but forever be with you, watching from behind
ready to catch you when you fall

Seeing you happier nowadays with your other friend, i am also feeling at peace now. Although the jealousy feeling pops out sometimes, but i will deal with them. Sigh. I wish i could tell you how much i wanted you as my best friend. I wish i could tell you how much i cared about you, or how much i loved you but you would not understand anyway. But it is alright, after this two weeks, i hope it is going to be a new chapter in our friendship, as frail as it may be. I am going to just walk silently behind you, seeing you, guiding you behind and hoping to catch you when you fall when you don't realize my presence. The only thing i can do is to look from behind and be your quiet supporter, your silent shadow.

That's all i believe that explains the happenings in the 8 months of our friendship. I finally broke down after so long recently.

Despite all the pain, the grief, the tears i shed for the first time this year over our friendship, i never did blame you for everything that has happened. And if i have to sacrificed anything for you, i would still gladly do so. I still love and care about you very much although i know i am not going to have a place in your heart.

It is time i believe to leave, as much as it pains me

That's all that i would like to say. Before, i end, i just want you to know,

Although i am not a doctor who can provide the best treatment,
Although i am not a driver who can send you anywhere you want,
Although i am not a lawyer who can help you win cases,
Although i am not him, who can provide you with happiness and company,
Although i know i am not anyone special in your heart,
but you'll be forever be the best friend i had in my heart,
because you were,
the first to show me what care and being cared feels like,
the first to show me what love and being loved feels like,
the first to show me what true friendship is all about,
the first to show me the beauty of giving,
and above all, you were the first to catch me when i fall.
I love you, my friend

Friends can certainly make or break you. Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

Disclaimer : The idea of this post was for self-reflection hence it may be seemed to be filled with emotion and irrationalities. But it is the truth, so i will not apologize.